she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
did i just pee glitter
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