I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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