oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
