I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
