It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
