I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
