did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
