Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
