What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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