Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
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Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
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We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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