this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
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Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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