Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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