Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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