I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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