I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
