I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
