You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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