It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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