youre lurking in front of me
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
