My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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