went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
