This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
