It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
