We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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