I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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