Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
