I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
