You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Randomize
