She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
