Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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