my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
