How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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