i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
