I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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