My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
