dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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