So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
