I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
