you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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