Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
