You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
love makes seman taste better
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
