some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
