I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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