Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
