i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
