butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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