dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
