When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
