Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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