fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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