wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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