Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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