i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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