My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
