The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
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I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
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Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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