On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.